Denying

A person is so real that when she disappears, you cannot believe she is gone. In many ways, she is never gone. Her concept and influence remain with you always. But in all the important ways, she has evaporated. You will no longer cook together, work out together, argue, laugh, discuss. I witnessed this vaporization of my friend. I saw nearly all of the tiny steps that have led to the final realization of her passing. However, I cannot accept that she is gone.

To burn a body is to force yourself to accept that you cannot reanimate your loved one. Having witnessed the cremation, I can now understand that my friend’s life is unsalvageable. No miracle of science and medicine will bring her back to life. However, absence is not a very powerful proof of a concept. I may conceive of the loss of her, but I do not see it. There is no daily evidence that she won’t just show up at a party or text me or call to say hello. I went over to her house and her clothes are still there, clean, folded, waiting for her to fill them up with her living self. If we give them away, we are admitting that she will never need them again. If I remove her phone number from my cell phone directory, I am admitting I will never call her again. I am not ready to admit these things.